“Indeed, the penalty for those who wage war against Allah and His Messenger and make mischief in the land is none but that they be killed or crucified or that their hands and feet be cut off from opposite sides or that they be exiled from the land. That is for them a disgrace in this world; and for them in the Hereafter is a great punishment.” (Qur’an 5:33)
Is it time that Allah be killed or crucified or have his hands and feet on opposite sides cut off or, at the very least, that he be exiled from the land? Why? Because by now he has surely made enough mischief in the land to have triggered several of these recompenses. Here’s just a small selection of the mischief that Allah has perpetrated in Iran alone between February 1979 and February 2020, a mere forty-one years.
Eight years of war against fellow Muslims across the marshes (ok, they were Sunnis, and Arabs):
The Satanic Verses got published; Khomeini is dead while Rushdie lives on; never-ending earthquakes, many, caused by scantily-clad women, the latest just a few days ago on the Iran-Turkey border, killing many; drought, caused by scantily-clad women; sinkholes, within which dwell djinn, the keepers of scantily-clad women; women defiantly rendering themselves scantily-clad; rockets blowing up on lift-off time and time again; top-secret nuclear evidence stolen from right under their noses; the Little Satan’s jets taking leisurely sight-seeing flights all over the Islamic Republic; vast quantities of oil unsold; fuel shortages in the country most blessed with vast quantities of oil; a US drone taking revenge on Iran for shooting down of its brother by blowing the top Iranian general to bits in front of his subordinates; bereavement and retaliation for Soleimani’s killing costing 138 Iranian lives in a demonstration of spectacular Islamic incompetence; the Great Satan gets to investigate gross Islamic incompetence at the PS752 crash site in Tehran; never-ending fitna from a population that doesn’t understand how favoured they are; and on, and on, and on.
Why do the Muslims have to suffer such tragedies? Are they not the people Allah loves because they love him so? The absolute cruelest has to be the coronavirus epidemic with which Allah punished China for its turning the Uighur Muslims away from Islam. It is a just punishment, until you realise that the country with the second largest death toll from the virus is — wait for it — the Islamic Republic of Iran! How is this justice? Surely Iran is as joyless as Allah commands. Why is he treating Islamic Iran the same as anti-Islamic China? We know this is not a joke because there are no jokes in Islam. With this kind of behaviour, surely, it is time for a fatwa against Allah, and that the Qur’an to be thrown at him, in particular 5:33, where he commands quite clearly,
By making mischief in the Islamic Republic of Iran, Allah has been waging war against himself and his own messenger. Of course, it is possible to doubt that Allah would wage war against himself, but then we look at his all-time favourite believers, his ummah, the very best of peoples, the ones whose religion he personally perfected for them without their even asking. Take a look at the ummah to see what Allah at war against himself looks like.
Your blessings are showered on the homes of unbelievers, strangers all.
Only on the poor Muslim, Your wrath like lightning falls.
—Muhammad Iqbal, Complaint and Answer to the Complaint, (1909-1913).
Wannabe caliph Erdogan has just gone to war against brother Bashar. El-Sisi hates Erdogan’s guts for supporting Muhammad Morsi and his merry band of brothers, and for generally making much mischief in his land. Erdogan has also been making mischief in Israel and in Cyprus and in Libya and even on the open seas between them. Yet Allah has made more mischief inside Iran than Erdogan has been making outside of it.
Or perhaps we should just give it some time. No self-respecting caliph, whether actual or fancied, can go for long without picking a fight with somebody. Just the other day, Erdogan stuck up to Russia over Syria and is not minded to back down. And there’s still China, don’t forget, where Muslims in Xinjiang Autonomous Region are wholesale having the perfect religion drawn from them and not in a nice way. One wonders why Jerusalem, peopled by Arabs formerly colonised by Turks, is a red line for Erdogan, while Kashgar, home to Uighurs, a Turkic people colonised by Han, is not a red line for him. Surely a caliph couldn’t let that pass.
So why the earthquake on the Turkey-Iran border? Weren’t Erdogan and Rouhani and Mahathir and little Imran going the extra mile to get the ummah together to confront the unbelievers’ ghastly “Islamophobia”? Weren’t Erdogan and little Imran going to go into show business with their own TV station and all — ventriloquist and dummy? What happened about that? The mischievous hand of Allah was, no doubt, at play there, too, for it will not have gone unnoticed that this little Gang of Four had no Arab amongst them, and we all know that only Arabs may call an ummah unity bash, not upstart second-circle Muslims who learnt their Islam from Arabs. It would be like saying the Prophet Muhammad Peace Be Upon Him was a Turk. Or he was a Persian, a Malay, or, Heavens forbid, a Pakistani! Of course the Arabs put their foot down on the upstart Pakistani’s neck. What else could they do?
But wait, there is more. Why did they stomp on little Imran’s neck instead of on Rouhani’s. Ah, of course. Iran’s missiles, the ones famous for blowing up before they can get properly off the ground, got off the ground just fine and even hit their targets the night the Shi’ite pretenders to the Islamic throne wanted to teach the Sunni murderers of Hussain a lesson (same ummah, different Muslims). Why, on that one occasion, did the missiles work? Because Allah willed it, that’s why. So the House of Saud, too, must be well-irritated with Allah — how many pilgrims got killed in that recent Hajj again? The Iranian bull’s eye shot on the Saudi oil installation notwithstanding, Iran and Saudi Arabia must both have it well in for Allah by now. Therein, surely, lie the seeds for healing the thousand-year Sunni-Shi’a split.
…Naaa.
Allah’s been making mischief in Iran, in Turkey, in Syria, in Saudi Arabia, in Libya, in Malaysia, in Iraq, in Lebanon, come to think of it, even in Indonesia Christians presume to run for high office, no one believes Yemen did the missile thing, Sudan lost its internal source of slaves, in Mauritania slavery must now be hidden, as if it’s something to be ashamed of, in Western Sahara the Jews and the Christians are up to something, in Bahrain Jews sat pretty, in Kashmir polytheists got the better of Muslims and the Myanmar infidels dared to dump their Muslim invaders back into Bangladesh. Over and above all that, nowhere is da’wa bringing in converts, everywhere apostates and infidels mock the holy Qur’an, despise the Prophet SAW and, as if all that isn’t bad enough, Muslims are leaving Islam in droves, somehow ashamed of being the best of people whose top “scholars” have become the laughing stock of the civilised world — what is going on? For 1400 years infidels everywhere feared Islam, now they laugh at it. Subhanallah!
In every land where the ummah resides, there Allah makes mischief. Is it not time for the ummah finally to unite, even if only for the expediency of banishing Allah from the land, from all Muslim lands? It would be the most lenient of the prescribed punishments for mischief-makers, because most Muslims are still ever so attached to Allah, bless them. To kill Allah, or crucify him, or chop off his hand and foot from opposite sides would be to cause Muslims great distress, and as we all know, we must at all times be sensitive towards their feelings. We must be harsh with the infidel and lenient towards the Muslim. Could Allah deserve any less than a Muslim who has been remiss? Surely not. That would be like giving to Allah females and to Muslims males.
There is no need for extremism. A simple deportation will do. Shaitan knows all about kickings-out and falls from Grace. He might just be the friend Allah so badly needs at this difficult time. While Allah is all-forgiving, he must hope that Shaitan can manage forgiveness just this once.